what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
