I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
