legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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