either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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