When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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