I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
