I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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