my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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