Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
