It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
