this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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