I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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