flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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