Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
