my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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