It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
