This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
