remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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