The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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