life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
