Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
