new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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