for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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