no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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