DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
