I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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