I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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