either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
