I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
