you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
