Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
