I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he was CRYING into my vagina
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
