Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
