Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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