I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize