totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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