btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
