I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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