Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
