Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize