Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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