No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
