just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
