I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize