I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
