It was confusing and full of hummus
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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