Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
