Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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