the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
