anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
