R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
