genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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