While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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