i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
