Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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