So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
