Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize