i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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