So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
