So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
