I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
