Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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