It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
