Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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