I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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