I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just tell him i said nine months
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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