i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
