I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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