3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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