you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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