I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
