I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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