who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
