He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
