onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
