you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
